Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i think i have herpe
just one?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
