he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
