If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
