My friends, they love my intelligence
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
