So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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