Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
