So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize