Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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