i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
