Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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