all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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