My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
my poor anus
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
