battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
