i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
