can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
