I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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