I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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