...so i touched it.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize