I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I skipped work to stalk him.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
