I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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