I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
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