I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
