Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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