He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Randomize
