woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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