He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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