mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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