I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
