this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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