My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
