i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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