My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
