i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize