my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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