It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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