So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
