Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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