Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
