turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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