Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
