I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
