i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
