Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
