If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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