if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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