i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
