i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
