Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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