Have you finally orgasmed yet?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
