after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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