Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
