I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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