can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
