Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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