dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize