I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
