And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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