whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize