two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
