God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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